I Wish I Knew You

I want so badly to tear down your walls. I want to know you. I want to know you better than anyone else. I want to know everything about you. Okay, maybe not everything and maybe not better than everyone else, but I want to know you. After all these years you would think I already do, but I actually don’t. And that makes sense because it’s not like we see each other on a regular basis, but I wish we did. Proximity.

Honestly though, who does? Is there actually a person out there who knows you? I’m not talking about your name, or your major, or who your brothers and sisters are, I’m talking about the real you. The you when nobody’s around. The you when you’re alone, listening to whatever it is you listen to. I wish I knew. And if there was a person out there who does know you, I’m jealous.

And it’s not like this jealousy involves romantic feelings or whatever, I just really wish I knew you. I wish I knew things no one else did. I wish we had little secrets that you and I shared. I wish I knew why you’re so closed off from people. It’s weird because on the surface you look so normal, but if there’s one thing I know about you it’s that you don’t actually let people in. And people don’t really see that because you’re always there. You’re always participating. I wonder what you do when you’re not out and partying participating. I wonder what you think about randomly. I wonder what your interests are aside from the obvious sports. Do you read books? Maybe not. But if you did, I wonder what kind of books you’d like. What do you think about the world? If could go to another place entirely, where would you go? What do your hopes and dreams consist of? What are your goals? What are your opinions on recycling and plastic? Do you like Scrabble? Would you be up to play a game of Scrabble with me? Do you like tea? What’s your favorite food? What’s your favorite thing to cook? What’s your favorite kind of chocolate; dark, milk or white? What’s your favorite holiday? What’s your family’s Christmas routine? Is your family close? How many brothers and sisters do you have? What are your parents like? What street games did you play when you were growing up? What about PlayStation, what games do you play on that? What’s your favorite color? What kind of music do you like? And don’t tell me “everything” because that’s crap. I want a real answer. I want to know the most embarrassing song you have on your iTunes that you secretly really love. I want to know your favorite tv shows and your favorite movies and why. I want to know all that. You know, basic stuff.

I want us to be like Ted and Robin. You probably don’t watch that show, but that’s how I can picture us minus the dating part. I want to be your wingwoman and I want you to be my wingman. I want to be the one you talk to about girls (no, not like that. get your guy friends for that. i’ll be here for the “feelings” part). I want to have you there if I don’t understand some of that guy stuff or if a guy is being an ass to me, you’ll be there to put him off. I kinda want us to go searching for great unknown restaurants and just eat our faces off. I want to be able tell you when you’re being a super douchebag and I want you to tell me if I’m being a super annoying emotional girly bitch (which I’ll admit I am 99% of the time, so just deal with it). I want us to be able to call each other out on our shit without having hard feelings.

I want to know the way your mind works. I want us to have one of those moments where I just look at you and you immediately get it. I want to be able to give you presents that you’d actually like. I want to make you mixtapes. I want you to feel appreciated. I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that you’re not being appreciated enough. I mean, sure, you can be an ass sometimes, but you’re a pretty decent person and I like being around you. It’s fun. I just really, really wish I knew more about you because I feel like I should have already. I want to know things about you because I kinda want to be your best friend, but I’ll never admit it. I want to be the one you text when you see something funny or if your favorite team made the playoffs or whatever, and even though I won’t get it, I’d say “that’s nice,” and you’ll know that I really mean it that it’s nice to be the one you tell the little things to.

 I think about it sometimes and I always end up thinking that we could’ve easily been best friends if things were different. We’re different people now, so I guess now we’ll never know. Just know that whoever ends up knowing these things about you and more is one lucky girl. Not just because she has you, but because she’ll have me, too.

Think about it. Let’s say all of this is actually real. I know almost everything about you, and assuming I like this girl whom you’re with (which is kinda a big deal because obvs I should know if she’s nice and whatever), she’ll have me to bitch about you and I’ll be there to tell her that you’re just having an emotional breakdown and you’ll snap out of it eventually. She’ll know that I can bring you back to your senses. It won’t drive her crazy as much because if I can put up with your shit, so can she. And if I don’t like her (not without the lack of trying), then I’m sure we can do something about that. Win win.

But alas, that is not the case, so I guess I’ll just always wonder if that version of us exists in another universe.